Hey all, I know you've all been worried about me for some time. Some of you think I want to commit suicide, some of you think I am a lier, some of you just well... ME.

I know you all have so many questions, I don't have the awnsers for all of them yet. I will start my revolution with the pages of my diary before I was enlightened, it is the last days of my relaisionship with Jazmyn, the love of my life. The one I am finnally able to move on from. That is why I'm amking this diary availble for all to read. Because I want it out of my mind and into yours. I will show you what or whom I was and that will explain the pain I excreet now artisticly.

These moments were the most important of my life, I could've killed myself millions of times between now and then, but instead I deal with the pain inside me so you can all live a pain free life. I'm not saying I'm better for doing this for y'all. Just give me some appreceation for the fucking effort. I'm sick of doing all of this without response or reply or comment. I don't care what you have to say about me, call me whatever you want.

I have done stupid shit in my life, I will probably do even worse later on, but for now I am me. I don't exist as a man inside my mind, I am the God of War, The lord of destruction for the world's society.

I bring with me pain and heartache and you see it as beauty, why? Because pain is beauty. The thorns of a rose, that's me. If it wasn't for me, the rose would've been attacked so long ago.

Anyway, I am copying the writing words out into this blog, I will post this also on my deviantart. Here is me;

The opening poem
"He creates every wire and strand,
With lack of conviction he builds on sand.
Forces bewildered, come forthe with thier storm.
He draws back unto a feathered form.
Soon realising he can't control the norm,
He finds solice in places unknown." - Freeo Anagen '06-07

The beginings of this diary have been lost forever, I do not want them back, I have found my record of the days that lead up to my self-destruction. Jazmyn, the one that motivated me through darker times, broke my life and destroyed it, I wrote this poem in my memory of her resistance. My diary is known as sean. My childhood imaginary friend, Sean Freedom (work that one out).

By the way for anyone's interest I do not deal drugs anymore, I refuse to ruin more peoples life. I have been charged with trafficking and those charges will stay. I have served more than enough time for these mistakes, anything I write from now on, happened a year ago so none of it should or can be used as evidence againest any case or legal battle. You cannot use my art to catch your criminals. This is the begging of the book of Wisdom according to Freeo Anagen, I will group all my wirtings on the available net and I will place them all within ONE book for all to read.

I remind you all, I am a self-medicated paranoid manic deprssive psycotic skitzoid. I refer to "they" and "everyone" as the voices that plague my mind. They sometimes help, but they usually distract me from my goals and hurt me when I'm down. These people tell me to kill myself, they tell me kill others, yet I have resisted the temptation and will continue this battle with my own mind until I die. It is not your fault and you can't do anything about it. Relax.


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Tuesday, 12.06.07
Day 1
Hey sean, how are you? That's good. I'm absolutely shit. I guess you wanna hear about it. Well in the next few months I will fill your pages with the full stor. The one that everyone, from the police to the emos, wants to finnally hear.
They want to hear the story of the life of a drug dealer. Now none of this will be perfectly correct, or in order, or held back.
Right now I'm just going to talk about today, how it sent me futhur into a hole that I have ever been, suicidal thoughts plague my mind. People whom I've never me before screaming in my ears (constantly). I keep myself safe by turning off the lights, lying on the couch (in Jazmyn's house) covered with by two blankets, blue, listening to music that suits the mood of an extremely depressed, distant, confused boy.
I feel like I'm going to die tonight, I hope they arn't listening to me write. I don't want them to know my life until it's a movie.

This paragraph thing makes it easier to see what I'm writing. I hope I don't die, I have only just started getting somewhere, well truthfull 'm not getting anywhere, I'm not improving, I feel like I'm loosing it.
I got so angry about 30minutes ago. Jazmyn said she was coming home at 5pm today. She texted me off some guy named (Crackhead, I can't use his real name because I'm afraid of the police using the writings as evidence) Crackhead's phone, saying she wouldn't be home 'till the morning. She sent me this at 9:30pm. Just after I got on the train to look for her. I waited around home for ages before I left to look for her. I waited for the next hurstbridge train to see if she was on it. She wasn't. That was a 20minute wait in the freezing cold. I caught the city train in hope she was in. I got the message at Clifton Hill. I thought she might still be in. So I jumped the barriers and ran to Hungry Jacks, she wasn't there. I ran to the park, by this time everyone was yelling at me, I had the worst pain in my guts, but I still ran. She wasn't there either, I jussed missed a train, I need to call Jaz now. I dialled MumDad and called the number that she had texted me off. Went to voicemail. I ran down to Flinders Steps, still with that huge pain in my stomach.

(as I write this I get it again in my stomach. I've learnt that I get this pain when I'm writing something so close to me that I could be incriminating my persona, but at this stage I no longer care about what happens to me. So now it is for the world to see.)
Amy and Shaun and their mates were being checked by the police, I walked up to Amy and asked her if she'd seen Jaz, she hadn't. I went to ask Shaun but I got stopped by a female police officer. She started hastling me for ID. But I left the house in such a rush to look for Jazmyn, I left my wallet, I just wanted to fin Jaz. I gave the fucking stupid bitch my details. Then I asked Shaun, he hadn't seen her. So that was a fucking waiste of time. I caught the next train home. A baby started screaming but nobody would tell it to shut up, so I screamed "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!"
Everyone looked at me shocked, as if I was just caught for raping a chicken, I then realised there was no one on the fucking train. I started getting a really bad headache, it was so bad I punched the closest wall. A few people looked, then looked away. Bastards, no one understands the shit I go through. I started thinking she (Jazmyn) was fucking someone. I got so angry I felt like I was burning, felt my skin crawling, I got so fucking angry I hit the wall again. As soon as I got off at Fairfield I ran to the FBC before I couldn't run anymore.
I just needed to get home and call Jazmyn. I got home, I phoned the number, a guy named Crackhead awnsered, I asked for Jazmyn. At first he didn't know who I was talking about. After a minute he handed the phone to her. I asked her were she was, what she was doing, who she was with. She said "I'm out, smoking bongs, I'll be back tomorrow. I gotta go." Then she hung up. I completely lost it. I threw the phone, I started throwing shit everywhere, I went and got a razor and cut for the first time in four months. I was just crying and crying. I then snapped out of it and called the number again, the guy awnsered but didn't seem to hear what I said, I went over the limit (of the internet, we had a USB phone connected to the computer) again and that makes the phone lag out. I ung up after several unsuccessful attempts of trying to get him to pass the phone to her again.

Now I'm writing about it in some faint hope I won't take this knife and cut my throat. It's a good idea. I mean I lost everything. My love of my life, my home, most of my mates, I've got nothing to keep me here. All I have is a lowsy $375 ($305 now bwhahaha it's funny, i get older and they ive me less money) a fourtnight that doesn't even pay the rent even if I could ever get another place. I tried the number again, it seems to be unavailable. I hope she's ok. I hope she comes home early. I just want her in my arms. I love(d) her so much. I'm tired of everything. Alright I've decided to handle my affairs before I pass on to the next reality. I have to tell the story of my life, I need to make sure Jaz knows I love(d) her. That's it, not much I know. But I don't think I can wait that long. :et this be known as the day Freeo died in his soul and heart. I am nothing but a shell awaiting re-insurtion to the earth. I want to sleep so I can wake up and see Jazmyn sooner, But I'm afraid if I sleep I'll get arrested by them, the police in the walls, waiting for me to slip, waiting for the opputune moment to strike and take me. They will, but only if I can't put up a fight. That's why they're in the walls. They can hear everything, they can't see me in the dark. But I can see them. I hear them wispering to one another about how they're gonna get me. They will if I close my eyes for even a second, they'll get me and take me away. They'll stop me from dying. I want to die. Why can't you leave me in peace. This world has too much pain I can't stand it. (I covered and entire page in scribbled words "I WANT OUT", I'll scan it and put it in my pictures for your analasise.)

That felt much better, I think I'll be safe. I'm gonna have a ciggie then I'll either write more, or I'll try to sleep and not get caught. I'm putting newspaper arount the couch so they can't sneak up on me. I don't know how they get out of the walls but they can get in, they must get out somehow.

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I've realised it will take me a few days to get this entire week of pain out on to the net, I'm taking a break from everything so I can continue this and fucking finnally finish it.

I realise I really was obbsessed with her. Which is funny, later in these pages I tell Sean that I will never stop loving her because I refuse to. That was a stupid decision that has wrecked my life up until now when I realise that I am now over her. I hope all of you can learn from my mistakes as I currently am. This is old past, it has nothing to do with my events and my love for another (Brie ). I just want everyone to know what a break up is threw the eyes of a drug dealer while it's happening. I'm so glad I found these pages. For now my journy finnally has a destination to finish this fucking book.